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Posted 5 July 2002, 3.44 am by Villager

I don't know who I am. Rather, I don't know what I am.

I have a good idea of the life I wish to lead and the person I want to be. I have a good idea of the person that I like to perceive myself as, the person that I explore in My head and around whom I build an elaborate imaginary world, one that has only intermittent contact with the real world. The Me that other people see is much different, I disclose only a very, very small fraction of My thoughts and feelings with the majority of the people I know, and even My immediate family do not know Me as well as they likely think they do. What am I? Am I the mind that thinks and controls and imagines, or am I the perception that walks and talks? Does the distinctly separate and seldom similar nature of these facets mean that I am deluding myself?

I do not want others to know Me as well as I think I know Me. I am quite content with the (low) level of interaction and sharing of thoughts/feelings that I have with most people. Most people I know, I do not care to have in My life. And yet I am not happy that they all know the filtered, life-weathered Me instead of the better, more intelligent, more explorative and more promising Me. There is so much that I want to achieve, and yet I have not even begun to do so. Hell, I don't even know where to start. My sole driving force is personal achievement and satisfaction and yet all I have is a piecemeal and blurred vision of what that is.

Contentment and true happiness lie at the end of a tunnel that could be a million miles away. It could be right in front of Me and I wouldn't know it. The Me inside is persistently working to further this vision, and to plan my adventure in life. The Me outside puts on a tired face and suffers the tolls and requirements of daily, human life. The Me inside chases a goal that his counterpart can't even see. To reconcile the two would either require a flattening of the inside or the elevation of the outside. I could not live for long if the inside was stripped of its freedom.

But how to communicate and depict the mind in sufficiently accurate and intense detail and coherence as to do justice to the aspirations of the mind, when the ugliness of society and the restrictions of daily life make it so hard and over-clouded? Nothing fits. Nothing promises to fulfil the magic and purity of what I am searching for. What I so desperately hope exists. I have so little to convince myself that I can create it myself, and yet that, ever to my sorrow, seems the only beacon of light in an otherwise unsure, grey and rocky life.

I can't bring myself to settle for less.

on 5 July 2002, 6.01 am
Hey Villager! Your about the same age as me, so I know where you are comming from, ive had to come to terms with all of that exactly in the past few years..all i can comment is what ive learned. :)
For one, You are everything. You are just not in your head, and you are just not is other peoples minds. It is a great thing to be able to stand on your own, and be self motivated like you are. Actually its somthing most people strive to be.

However do not discount relationships. With the right person you can find equal support to both push off of, and that can really further you. Its a hard thing to swallow..but you really do need other people, weather you like it or not. :)
Try opening yourself up on the outside to a level that you enjoy about yourself and dont worry if anyone is watching and takeing notice. Some people may drop off, but eventually you will start attracting people who enjoy that too. (And you may even find that you want them in your life) :)

Another thing that ive learned, is that you can drive yourself absolutly wild living in your mind. Most dreams are achivable, however you must know which ones are acheivable now, and which ones are not. And let the ones that are not settle for the moment. Give your mind a much needed breath and live in the present for a bit mentally.

Contentment and happyness can be gone tomorrow in an instant and changed dramaticly in definition. You could become paralized, or partially brain dead.. it is not all there is to your life's worth. You may be surprised, but not even its worth to yourself. :)
The future however is just that, and no one can help you there, just becouse no one has experiance in the future. All we can do is go after our goals with furrious force and hope to god they work. :) if not, your can bounce back without breaking a hip. :P

on 4 August 2004, 7.21 am

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